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I’m so fucking done….

…with my family and my life. They never cease to make me look stupid in front of people. They make me feel completely worthless. I’m forced to continue living with them, I don’t have a choice. Some days I feel like it would be better if I wasn’t living anymore. Not like anyone actually cares anyways. Always telling me I don’t put in enough effort, and all I do is give up and make excuses for myself. I haven’t spoken to my 80-year-old grandmother in months for this very reason. I don’t have friends who would go out of their way to help me or spend time with me. I’m convenient. I only matter when they need someone. But when I do, I don’t have anyone. I’m so sick of crying all the time. I just want this pain to end. I’m 22-years-old. I’ve never had a job. Never had a relationship. Can’t drive. I’ll never complete college. They kicked me out. I’m riddled with health problems that no doctor seems to want to help me with. I’m always in some kind of pain. I post things on Facebook and get bitched at by my family. I just want someone, just one person in my life to tell me it’s okay. Just one people to hold me while I cry without trying to make me feel worse. To make me feel like I’ll be okay. Does anyone even care? Cause it doesn’t feel like it.


Have you ever looked in a mirror and just wanted to die? I have. Many time actually. Especially now. I might sound like a stupid, spoiled brat, but just hear me out. I use to be happy. Things in life were great. I had friends. I was healthy. My family loved me. What happened you may ask. Well, early puberty.

I was barely 11. That didn’t use to be normal. Actually it still isn’t considered normal. I started slowly gaining weight without doing anything different in my life. Then I was putting it on quicker. People started making fun of me for it, and I didn’t know why it was happening. This went on for a few years. Finally when I was 14 my mom decided it was time to take me to the gyno.

Later that year I had a laparoscopy. We found out that not only did I have endometriosis, but I also had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Might not sound so bad, but it has ruined my life. Irregular periods, bunch of new doctors, bunch of pills, etc. and having a bunch of blood drawn very couple months at that age isn’t easy either. People continued making fun of me and treating me terribly. I became depressed and suicidal. So at the end of 7th grade I decided that I’d had enough and quit. I tried an online school, but didn’t have any real motivation, so I ended up quitting school all together when I was 17.

So now at 21, I have been battling this disease for 7 years and it’s only gotten harder. My first and second endocrinologists moved. My third one I didn’t like, so now I’m without one. My family doctor seems to be doing okay. That is when it comes to prescribing more crap. I tip the scales at 245lbs. I’m 5’5.5” tall. I use to be 5’6” so I shrunk a half an inch. I’m on a multitude of prescriptions. Shall I name them? I think so: Glumetza 2000mg, Tricor 145mg, Lovastatin 49mg, Levothyroxin 75mcg, Atenolol 25mg, Vitamin D3 2000unit, Amitiza 8mcg, Xyzal 5mg, Singulair 10mg, Norethindrone 5mg, and Lupron injections. I didn’t mention all the problems that PCOS causes: insulin resistance, thyroid disfunction, cholesterol problems, and bowel issues caused by the endometriosis and pill combination. I also have severe allergies and a racing heart. So needless to say my life isn’t a walk in the park.

Update (for anyone who cares)…

I recently underwent a laparoscopy on October 11th. My endometriosis wasn’t as bad this time as it was 7 years ago. It was only on my uterus. He said that my ovaries looked good. I go back to see my doctor on the 25th to discuss my medication options. I believe that he will want to do the Lupron shots again. I wasn’t for it at first, but I believe that the reason it didn’t work a year ago is because the nurses that were giving them to me had no experience with the shot. It has to be administered a certain way for it to work. I was on them 7 years ago, for a year, and they worked. I don’t know if he will want to change my birth control pills or not. I completely trust my doctor. We’ll see where things go from here. 

Personal Thoughts…

I am constantly plagued with thoughts of things that will probably never happen to me. One in particular is biological children. I have serious problems with my reproductive tract. For the last 5 years it has been under control, but in the last 4 or 5 months they have slowly started creeping back up. Long heavy periods and pain that doesn’t go away. Severe breakouts. Constant fatigue and headaches. Lack of energy. The only way of finding out is getting back to my doctor and having another laparoscopy. My fear is that the endometriosis has started to spread and is effecting other organs now. The only possible cure is a hysterectomy. At my age, it isn’t exactly a happy or wanted surgery. But if it happens to be necessary, I will do it. Adoption is always an option. There are so many children out there that need homes. But that pull to have biological children is strong. Almost all of the girls I grew up with are happy and have families. I try not to get jealous, but sometimes I can’t help it. I want that. I want to feel the excitement of finding out I’m pregnant. I want to know what it feels like to grow a child inside of me. I want to feel the joy of giving life to a child. I know to most that it probably sounds crazy. Hell I can’t even seem to find someone who would even love me enough to want that with me. Again something that makes me jealous. I don’t like jealousy, but how does one avoid it? God I know it’s stupid to put this out on the internet and tell the whole world, but I have no one else to talk to. My mom doesn’t get it. She’s married to my father, and has 2 kids. My sister doesn’t get it. She found the love of her life. Plus anytime I talk about being jealous she gets pissed. My best friend doesn’t understand because she’s married and has a one year old little one. Who else can I talk to? 

Reasons to NOT vote for Mitt Romney…

1. He relies way too much on his OWN personal opinions and beliefs!!!

2. He will eliminate Planned Parenthood: 
Eliminate Title X Family Planning Funding - Title X subsidizes family planning programs that benefit abortion groups like Planned Parenthood.(Planned Parenthood is about MORE than abortions. UGH.)

3. He believes in Keystone XL Pipeline:
Support construction of pipelines to bring Canadian oil to the United States.(Bad for environment. Guess no one cares anymore.)

Mitt Romney is pro-life. He believes it speaks well of the country that almost all Americans recognize that abortion is a problem…Mitt believes that life begins at conception and wishes that the laws of our nation reflected that view…As president, he will end federal funding for abortion advocates like Planned Parenthood. He will protect the right of health care workers to follow their conscience in their work. And he will nominate judges who know the difference between personal opinion and the law.
(Funny because all of this reflects his OWN opinions.)
…Americans have a moral duty to uphold the sanctity of life and protect the weakest, most vulnerable and most innocent among us. As president, Mitt will ensure that American laws reflect America’s values of preserving life at home and abroad.
(I am apparently not an American then, because these aren’t my views. Guess what America isn’t the only country on Earth and our opinions aren’t ‘all that.’ We need to stop trying to push ‘our’ views on other countries.)

The values that Mitt Romney learned in his home have enriched his life immeasurably. With his parents’ example before him, he married, had five sons, and now basks in the joy of eighteen grandchildren. Marriage is more than a personally rewarding social custom. It is also critical for the well-being of a civilization. That is why it is so important to preserve traditional marriage – the joining together of one man and one woman. As president, Mitt will not only appoint an Attorney General who will defend the Defense of Marriage Act – a bipartisan law passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton – but he will also champion a Federal Marriage Amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman.
(Again I don’t believe this way. It is unfair to deny gay/lesbian couples the RIGHT to get married because YOU think it’s wrong.)

Chick-fil-A, Gay Marriage, and Christians

Gay marriage is still a huge issue in today’s society. Why? I honestly don’t understand it. Why is it so wrong for two people to love each other, just because they both have penises or vaginas? Love is love. No matter who you choose to give it to. I’m not saying that all Christians are evil, but most are. Most of them are bigoted, hateful people. Judging people just because they believe their Bible tells them to. Well guess what? I was forced to go to church my entire childhood and I never once learned that or read it. 

Matthew 7:1-2
1Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Hmm. Sounds like judging people was not in God’s plan for man. I was always taught not to judge people just because they are different than me. Who taught me that? My Christian grandmother. Yet she herself judges people. She once asked me if I was a devil worshiper just because I wore an Avenged Sevenfold hoodie. This is why she will never know that I am a bi-curious woman. I would be forever disowned. Is it fair that Chick-fil-A gets a national day, just because the CEO doesn’t believe in gay marriage? Absolutely NOT

There is NOTHING, repeat NOTHING, wrong with being gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender. You are who you are. No one can change you. I guess that these so called ‘righteous' people would rather have hundreds of orphaned children in foster homes than allow a gay couple to give them a LOVING home. How is that okay? They aren't going to make them gay. You can't make someone something that they are not. 

Also on the subject of religion. WHY does one religious person’s beliefs get to dictate what someone else does with their life? I’m sick of hearing politicians say things like “gay marriage is wrong because God says so” or “abortion is wrong because the Bible says every life is precious.” Why do I have to care what the Bible says if I’m not Christian? I distinctly remember learning in school about a separation of church and state. I know for a fact that I didn’t dream it. 

US Constitution:

Amendment I:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

From Thomas Jefferson:

Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should “make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” thus building a wall of separation between church and State.

This to me says that one man’s personal beliefs are his own. So why does congress continue to pass laws based on Bible interpretation? Anyone can interpret the Bible to fit their own agenda. And if anyone remembers correctly, Jesus was the King of Jews. So technically, the Christian religion is the wrong one. But that isn’t for me to judge. I’m not that kind of person. I only judge people by what they do to others. Be it killing people or abusing them. Something needs to be done about the perversion of the Bible to get people what they want.

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